Monday, July 7, 2008

oh, crap.

Well, I knew it had to happen someday.

A woman just called looking for the book "Everyone Poops" and proceeded to give me the details of her daughter's bathroom habits.

"She's having problems in that area. She says it hurts and then she stops trying to go."

"Umm..." I replied.

"I mean, she's gone pee in the potty, she's good at that part, but she has trouble with pooping."

"Umm..." I said again.

"And I thought that maybe I could get that book and we could read it together while she's on the potty so she'd learn that everyone poops, and... "

I interrupted. "Okay. The book is checked out, would you like to place a request for it?" I silently reminded myself to get a hazmat suit and maybe a pair of long handled tongs if I ever came across that book in the stacks.

"It's checked out? Oh no! I really needed it today. Do you have anything similar that might work? She's very constipated and she's afraid of pooping now. The doctor says it's normal but she just won't push because it hurts." The little girl started screaming in the background and the mother sighed. "She just really needs to poop."

A strong cup of coffee has always worked for me, but I couldn't possibly suggest that. "Would you like to speak to the children's librarian...?" (Or someone whose idea of child care doesn't involve a roll of duct tape and a bottle of children's Tylenol?)

I transferred the call, thinking that perhaps cleaning the litterbox isn't so bad after all.


Marko said...

"Or someone whose idea of child care doesn't involve a roll of duct tape and a bottle of children's Tylenol?"

As a stay-at-home father of two small children, I can assure you that 90% of all child care problems can be fixed with those two tools.

Also, if she needed it today, you should have told her about the amazing place called a "bookstore", where they routinely have such books available for immediate purchase.

Doctor S. said...

Tell her to find a medical blog and ask a question...

Robb Allen said...

I know that book.

We had a different one, except it was geared for boys, which was OK with the wife and me because it allowed us to explain what a penis was to our two girls and have the correct terminology attached to it without having to explain anything else.

As for your caller, glycerin suppositories are the shnizzle when it comes to constipated potty-training kids.

As if you wanted to know that.

Doc832 said...

Well that is why moms used to give us caster oil. Most of todays diets are to blame since they have little or no fiber. Peds Doc knows whats in store and doesnt wish to approach this. It gets worse when we get older! We always talk about our pooping habits..
Blessings and Laughs

Weetabix said...

(Or someone whose idea of child care doesn't involve a roll of duct tape and a bottle of children's Tylenol?)

Benadryl works wonders, too.

Anonymous said...

Being the cat lover you are, why didn't you suggest licking her bottom the way mama cats works for them?

RedneckInNY said...

Prune juice would have been the my suggestion. It's natural, fairly tasty, loaded with fiber and antioxidants and it doesn't have any side effects.

Mike W. said...

She called the library for this? Does she have the internet? A doctor?

Benefiber would work just fine.

S said...

Chili cheese fries works for me.

Or fried chicken from some local greasy-spoon mom-and-pop restaurant.

Sometimes drinking stale pond water will do it too ... I'm told.

kaveman said...

Absolutely anything off the Taco Bell menu gives me explosive diarrhea almost immediately.

Maybe you could just buy a few soft tacos and leave them in your desk for the next time this issue comes up.

My personal trademark is eating Taco Bell at work, heading to the stall, not flushing and then scrawling "Free Chalupa" on the wall with an arrow pointing towards the bowl. I'm pretty sure my co-workers enjoy mu antics as much as I do.

BobG said...

Sometimes I have a hard time understanding mothers. I have seen women who, when their toddler has fished into his diaper and decorated the crib and himself with the contents, they just take it in stride. The same women, two hours later, go into hysterics at the sight of a mouse...WTF?

Jeffrey Quick said...

Tell her to give the kid an enema. It can't possibly screw her up more than she already is.

Brigid said...

The internet provider was down Saturday and I ended up turning on the TV desparate for something to do as I was tired of reading.

My choices included "It's so Raven" variuos reality shows, and
"All About Dung".

I turned the TV off.

Assrot said...

I find it strange that people need books for things like that. I think a sentence or two would cover it.

Prune juice usually helps. If not then a mild enema will surely loosen things up. Sheesh, what kind of parent needs an entire book to get a kiid to drop a deuce.

I think if I worked in a Library there are many books I would handle with tongs and hazmat gloves.

I won't go into detail. You're a smart girl. I think you got the picture.

Anonymous said...

Amazing the details some people will tell a stranger! With a mother like that it wouldn't surprise me that constipation will be the least of that kid's problems.


brad_in_ma said...

There's a companion book called "The Gas We Pass". It's a hoot.

- Brad

Dr. StrangeGun said...

Y'know, nicotine can kick things into gear as well...

*evil grin*

Glenn Bartley said...

And I thought I fielded some weird phones calls in my 28 years of federal law enforcement. You had better patience than me, I would have hung up on the second line about her daughter not being able to go.

All the best,
Glenn B

Michael Hawkins said...

Had to chance to read this blog?

You should submit some of your experiences :p

JJR said...

Heh, glad I'm an ACADEMIC librarian.

ibex said...

(Or someone whose idea of child care doesn't involve a roll of duct tape and a bottle of children's Tylenol?)

Is it wrong to decide that someone is a great person just because they're so much like yourself?

Breda said...

Nah. I won't complain, ibex. =)