Friday, October 3, 2008

So this librarian walks into a bar...

Nicole and I sit at a table in a far corner of the brewery. We like to talk and have a couple of pints while surveying our domain. With our backs to the wall, we watch everyone coming and going, have a highly amusing view of the dance floor and are usually left alone except for the waitress who kindly keeps bringing us our free beer.

But last night we were joined by Nate.

We had seen him a few tables away, dancing and singing along with the music. His friends seemed to tolerate his unfunny class clown antics in the same way you'd be patient with someone less fortunate than you in the I.Q. department. And oh, poor Nate...when he looked up and noticed us in the corner, we were laughing at him. Not with him. He came over and sat at our table anyway, intent on chatting us up because he said we were "cute."

In hardly any time at all, Nate discovered that I was married and, gasp! 34! ( he did initially think I was 28, though. He gets points for that.) "Well, where is your husband? Why isn't he here, protecting you?"

I smiled benignly. "Because he knows I can take care of myself."

Nate scoffed. (Oh, Nate, you silly boy.)

A little while later, I was showing Nicole the Buckeye Firearms CCW reminder card I had in my purse. "What is that?" Nate asked. "Your AARP card?" (Nate apparently still thought that my advanced age was a great source of amusement.)

I leveled my best stare at him, smirking slightly as I handed him the card. He leaned over, close to a candle to read it. "Huh," he said, clearly not understanding. To help him make sense of it, I took my CCW license out of my wallet and let him see it. That's when Nate's lightbulb went on.

"HOLY $%&@! Do you have it on you NOW?!?!" Nate's eyes were huge.

I was kind of afraid that if I made any sudden moves or loud noises, there would be a puddle under Nate's chair. "No. It's not legal to carry in bars in Ohio," I said gently.

At this point, Nicole decided to get in on the fun. In her most cheerful, enthusiastic tone she said,"That's why she always carries a knife!" She was grinning from ear to ear. (Nicole has a very twisted sense of humor, one of the reasons I love her so.)

Nate was stammering, "Wait, what? And a gun? Really? You? A gun? For real? And a knife? But...? I'm afraid now!"

I smiled and touched his arm. "What? Afraid of little ol' me?" I explained a little about what it takes to get a CCW - the laws, the test, the fingerprinting...

Welcome to a brand new world, Nate. The one where the smallest person in the room just might be the most dangerous. Stay safe.


Mike W. said...

"Well, where is your husband? Why isn't he here, protecting you?"

"What is that?" Nate asked. "Your AARP card?"

Boy This guy really knows how to make a good 1st impression.

Brandon said...

Well played indeed.

Aaron said...


My wifey has done something similar while I was gone all of two minutes in the bathroom. I don't know exactly what was said, but that kid was white as a ghost as he moved away from the table. Hilariously, he couldn't seem to decide who he she be watching between her and me and backed into a chair which landed him on his ass. It was beautiful.

Even better, the Wifey was the smallest person there, I was the biggest.

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

Next Stop! Willoughby!

B Smith said...

I never seem to be on the scene when something like this happens... I miss all the fun!! (pout)
I really, really love this story!!

JD said...

I hope my daughters do as well when they grow up. . .

Buckshot said...

This is NOT going to be fun.

You need to get a Kabar, but they only come with stacked leather washer handles or Kraton rubber handles. No way I know of to get one with a red (heartwood, wasn't it?) handle!

Maybe a Buck knife, but then you only have choices of black micarta and polished aluminum or brown micarta and gold anodized aluminum.

Guess we will just have to keep searching.


Unknown said...

That was a blast. I hope he is there the next time we go so I can show him my knife. Hehehe.

Unknown said...

I don't know if you've seen this story before but it always warms my heart to read it again

The Remittance Man said...

Far more amusing and effective than if you'd just told him you and Nicole were an item.

Nice one :-)

Cowboy Blob said...


He kinda reminds me of the poser in "True Lies" who wets himself when encountered with a real "operator."

Keep it real. :)

Home on the Range said...

After the AARP remark I would have ensured he had made the puddle on the floor.

You handled that well.

Xavier said...

Not a good thing to do Breda, you know that....

Still a funny story though.

BobG said...

My reaction is the same as Cowboy Blob's; Bill Paxton in True Lies came to mind.

Anonymous said...

Very funny!

SpeakerTweaker said...

I think your husband has played an important role in protecting you.

I mean, he does buy you ammo from time to time, right?


I'm with Brigid. That AARP remark would have cost him. But I love the way you handled that guy!


Somerled said...

Nate must be packing something. S--- for brains, apparently.

JAFO said...

Well played.

I'm picturing Nate as the same sort of metrosexual, overly-coifed and fussed-over, sort as one of the raving liberals at my lab.

The AARP thing would have cost him. Hell, I got home yesterday and had a piece of mail from them, asking I join. 1)I'm only (does the math) 37, and 2) get back to me when you folks at the AARP recognize a person's right to self defense!

Less said...

A funny story, certainly, however, at the expense of some "booing" from folks and at risk of giving offense, methinks you guilty of hubris.

Old NFO said...

hehehe- thanks for the chuckle :-) Good on y'all!

Mark said...


You're my kinda people, Breda. I quote my old dear friend:

"I carry a gun not because I am afraid, but so I can be unafraid".

Brent Greer said...

Breda, I was delighted to finally have a chance to meet you at the Columbus event last weekend. I have always enjoyed your writing, and this post -- particularly the AARP stuff -- is hilarious. But I've gotta tell you that the whole purpose of CCW is that first letter -- the first "C." Concealed. Not just the firearm, but that anyone knows you have it or carry it at all. Did anyone else in the bar overhear him hooting about you having a gun? Anyone not quite as "innocent" as Nate? That's the danger in announcing, with a lot of strangers around, that you are a proud CCW holder. And I know you are proud. You should be. You just might want to rethink how and where you share that info.

breda said...

it's really interesting how many of you can so easily judge a situation that you were not in.

breda said...

I also do not appreciate being scolded like I'm a child. If I am adult enough to carry a firearm, I am adult enough to judge a situation and act accordingly. And to be perfectly honest, I'm getting mighty tired of the "C" in CCW and am considering OCing - I think someone like me might do more good for the 2nd Amendment by being open about it. I understand the benefits of remaining concealed, from a safety perspective, but openly talking about personal defense and even open carrying will make it seem less "weird" or "radical" to non-gun owners - which might change minds and lead to even more people taking up arms in their own defense - which would benefit us all in the long run.

lucy said...

We 'judge' the siutation as You present it. That is the only way we is your side of the story.

What is interesting to me is that you do not feel the need to comment unless someone disagrees with your opinion and then you jump all over them. You do not seem to have much tolerance for any other opinion but your own.

I personally found your post to be snarky and downright mean. I wonder if you might have felt the same way if it were someone sitting in the corner making fun of an amputee?

No need to attack Breda...we are on the same side...though I too think what you did was irresponsible.

Your gun does not make you more of an adult. I know alot of 21 year olds I do not consider adults but yet they can legally carry guns.

It is your maturity, your actions, and how you treat others that makes you an adult Breda. And your post did not show you well in any of those categories that night.

Less said...

... am considering OCing - I think someone like me might do more good for the 2nd Amendment by being open about it.

I totally agree about that. Personally, I think OC is political statement more than anything and works great in places where the majority of folks are all armed and ready to back each other up.

However, even then hubris is dangerous.

The way I see it is that you insulted the guys pride by laughing him down, only to be shown up, then you escalated the situation to prove you're the "bigger dog".

I'll bring up two thoughts:

A few months ago I read in my hometown paper that a guy killed someone with one punch in a drunken bar fight. "The One Punch Murder" they call it...

It was over something stupid, a spilled drink, the evil eye, etc. but now the other guy is dead. Was it worth it? Could the situation have been avoided?

I bring this up because sometimes people make pretense to start trouble and "showing" 'em up just escalates the situation instead of diffusing it.

Second, did anyone ever here the Johnny Cash song, "Don't Take Your Guns to Town?" If you haven't, check it out here (youtube)... It is a lesson in hubris.

Why give away the "Ace in the hole?"

breda said...

lucy - This is my blog, my little "home" on the internet. Someone comes into my "home" and scolds me and I'm not allowed to defend myself or explain my thoughts?

And by the way, if I answered all of my comments, that's all I'd ever have time to do. There are only so many hours in the day.

Brent Greer said...

Breda, I wasn't "scolding" you. Why would you think that? At what "level" commentary do you distinguish between taking exception and scolding? It was just constructive criticism from one who has been there. Aren't comments a place for dialogue and exchange of ideas? I have people take exception to what I write from time to time and I engage them and we have a great discussion. True, I do not know the situation you were in...I merely know EVERYTHING that you shared in this post. Mainly, that you were in a bar. So while I agree that the world might be a better place if there was open carry...if people became more used to the idea, the fact is (as you and I and Mike know from the seminar we all attended last weekend), 98 percent of the population are sheep who will always be in denial. And they will never get used to the idea of OC or CC. So the OC suggestion is a bit of a red herring, don't you think? Especially since firearms aren't allowed in drinking establishments in Ohio anyway - open or concealed. No, my point was to say that you never know who around you is overhearing your conversation. There are far too many documented instances of people being followed home from a bar and attacked or robbed or worse because they were overheard - in a bar - mentioning they were going to be alone, or that they were heading off on vacation and carrying a lot of cash...or they had a firearm. That was my point.

BTW, I hope you and Mike are enjoying your week off. I am envious.

Anonymous said...

Great story.

I once heard a similar one. A group of folks were sitting at a table where the topic of conversation turned do concealed carry and how "what does it matter, no one legally carries anyway, yadda yadda".

Something like half the folks at the table reached into their pockets and plopped a spare mag or speedloader on the table.

Kind of changed the fellow's tune when he realized how many of these folks he'd just met carried.

Anonymous said...

Ya'll seem to be missing the point. She said FREE BEER.

John B said...

Breda, you are my own sweet adopted baby sister. I just wish you could have told him. That only PREDATORY males would have reason to fear you. Them and the guy who keeps misplacing the library books.

I would fear you, but my librarian already punished me for losing that book. Humiliating, standing there while someone almost 1/4th your weight, (I were 400 at the time), scolds you over a 50.00 book.

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

I wasn't aware you were a fellow Ohiyan. Cool.

BTW, while open carry is legal in Ohio, there are few places you can go where you will not be arrested for disturbing the peace, inciting a panic, blah blah blah.

They'll get you for something.
This is per my brother the cop.

He's a straight shooter, literally and figuratively, and he wouldn't BS me about that.
Just FYI.